So I have massively neglected posting any blogs recently... Main reason being is after a whirlwind year of hospitals, various doctors and new diagnosis', I have decided to leave my full time job in Canary Wharf and move out of my flat back and back into my Mum and Dads.
I made the decision at the end of September after a particularly bad week health wise and I was more and more walking on egg shells with myself... at any moment I was going to crack. I was struggling to keep on top of cleaning the flat, doing my washing and living off crackers as I just didnt have the energy to cook after getting home from work which made the stress levels even worse as I am (believe it or not!) a bit of a clean freak and like everything in order and in a certain way. It became a vicious cycle.
I'd also find myself getting more and more annoyed with myself which made me pretty mood to be around! Because I was aware of what was happening I sarted to seclude myself subconciously and living alone is pretty lonely (obvs) anyway so it just became a downwards cycle.
My journey to work as well wasn't particular long, about an hour and 15 minutes on a good day, but it involved a good 10-15 minute walk either side to the car - station which was just becoming hell. I loathed getting to the station and being faced with the long walk up the hill to my car. Which BTW then died and after I tried to sell it found I had actually bought a car with fiddled mileage!! More on that in another blog.
With the walk to the station from my car (morning and evening) and the million and 1 stairs (ok maybe about 100) around the underground into work, by 9am I was knackered.
It's been such a hard decision because I do feel a bit defeated, like I've gone backwards and wonder how I will go forwards again. Some days, I think I have made the wrong decision. I think to myself, I could've held out a bit longer, it wasn't that bad, I should've sucked it up and got on with it and stop whinging.
But then I have a bad day and can barely drag myself out of bed, spend the day on the brink of tears. And I know it was the right decision.
Before, even over the 5-10 years I feel like I've spent more time being moody and aggy! Which although that is a part of me I felt like it almost dominated and that is not just me. Im not a aggy snappy person but I think at times, that was my coping mechanism, it was the way I got through everyday. Maybe it was how my body felt!
I have been lucky in that I am still working on a part time basis and even over the past 3 weeks I have been part time and been back at my mum and dads, I have noticed a difference in myself (I hope everyone else has too!). I'm less tired, I feel more motivated and i feel the snappyness is fading (although it does reappear at times, usually in the mornings. lols. But i think thats everyone!)
I'm not sure what the future holds work wise but I have enrolled in my A levels (YES, this is probably my 7th or 8th course I have done over the years and I blame my flakeyness on POTS and EDS - which is actually a common thing!) to do Biology and Accounting. I'm hoping this will enable me to do something I have ALWAYS wanted to do.... Diagnostic Radiography!!
Like the above, without having these diganosis' I probably would never do my dream job, so that is a a silver lining!
I've also been able to start up a little side business in hair extensions. I want to do video blogs on youtube on different hairstyles using clip in extensions! Can't say how useful they will be and I'll also have to get over the cringing of hearing my own voice but hopefully they will be up and running soon :). I'm hoping that this will generate enough income for me to live off as it enables me to work my own hours and dedicate as much time as I can when I can.
I hope that in a year or so i'll be able to move out again once I have learnt my limits and know when to ask for help!
I hope that anyone reading this who may be going through something similar knows that there is always a silver lining.. not matter how bad things might seem, something positive is always around the corner - everything happens for a reason! And most importantly, you are never alone, friends and family will always be there, even if you snap like a aligator everyday!